Dear, Mr. Gordon Brown
Dear: Mr Brown,
I was deeply touched by the recent interview you held with Piers Morgan, (ITV) so I checked out my Heat, Star, Ok and Hello magazines to find out who you were. You know just to get a bit of background gossip on your life. Sorry I didn’t catch all of the show but my fella kept texting me having a go, again. We make up, break up but when he is in one of his moods I have to text back. That’s why I didn’t catch the whole show. I was a bit tied up texting. That’s why i'm writing to you now, to let you know you have a friend.
Unfortunately there was no mention of you in Heat and the others so I had to get down the library and go on the Internet and find out who you were. Well done, you have really done well for yourself! No wonder Piers thought it would make a great story for his show. Apparently you are the country’s housekeeper and live in that smart Downing Street place. Someone very famous lives there because there are always coppers out the front so you landed a smart job there.
You did good at school as well. With grades like that why bother becoming a housekeeper? If I did as well as you I’d have become a WAG. I know you couldn’t become a wag because you are a man but you could have been a sportsman and dated a WAG. You liked rugby didn’t you? Well, football is a bit like that. Ok, so you got a wonky eye but you only need one eye to see the ball. Imagine that! You could have been a footballer and drive Mercedes and have an amazing crib with 3 bathrooms and shit. If we over look your love of drinking and your blatant lie that you have never smoked a spliff (really?) then we have to take into account that you must have done your fair share shagging. Piers said on TV that you had your own groupies: the brown sugars. You had it all made for you for a footballers life. You even met your misses in the mile high club so you had it in you mate, to become a footballer.
Anyway, due to your important position in that house I’m a bit miffed to say the least that I don’t get to read about you in Heat and OK and stuff because imagine all the gossip you could tell us. Granted you are not a big a story as Peter Andre and Beckham but come on, you must have a secret or two to share about the shenanigans in that place. Get Max Clifford as your agent Rebbecca Looes and Maddy (Peters latest shag) did and they’ve made a mint from it! It’s just something you might want to keep in mind in case you ever get the sack.
In fact, money is why i've decided to approach you. I hear that your housekeeping purse is slightly empty. What very famous person leaves their housekeeper with an empty purse? Tight arsed family you work for there. Especially one that’s got that big house and all those buildings. Or are they family with old money? You know the ones that live in all those stately homes just to give the impression they got money but drive around in old fords and charge entry so you can ogle at their stuff. I went to that parliament house once, years ago on a school trip. It was crap. I didn’t see any shagging and getting pissed . All I saw was a load of rubbish rugs and chipped woodwork. You couldn’t even touch anything! It was boring. I’d hoped to sell my story to a magazine. My dad had put the idea in my head, he had said to me:
” You going to parliament? They’re a crooked lot up there, pissed constantly on free whiskey and shagging their children’s nannies.”
I was surprised he would let me go! I guessed that it was one of those birds, bees and life’s not all storks and cabbage patch, trips. But I didn’t see any of that. A let down really cos I expected to see some right knobbing going on. I learnt nothing so had to hang around the chemist and steal the free handouts and I got to peek at penthouse once. But I digress.
I guess we couldn’t touch anything because it was stolen goods or something? But a right boring day really.
Who’s this Mr Blair? I think he set you up mate! You don’t need a mate like that. Trust me. Good riddance. Who’d take you out to dinner than stab you in back? It happened to me once, some scabby shit of a girl. We were best mates, shared everything and even planned a double date together. We met the boys, went up the park to hangout and we got fish and chips. We sat inside on the tables as well. It was all very posh. Then she got up and left me on the excuse she was feeling sick. Feeling sorry for her they both took her home and I was left to get the number 62 alone. I heard the next day that they both snogged her and I got a slap of my dad for being in late, public transports crap on time. But less of that more of you.
You got a nice wife there so that’s something I suppose. Sorry to hear about your baby. If its any consolation Janet from up the social club had the same thing happen to her. Her baby was born stillborn. Only 26 weeks the little mite, bless her soul. That knob of a boyfriend knocked ten shits out of her and they had to do and emergency caesarean to deliver it. You could have heard a pin drop when we all got to hear about it. But like your wife she got to hold the baby for a few minutes so small blessings in a cruel world. Eh? Besides Janets’ on income support, she can’t work due to her crap grades and her nerves. Janet hasn’t much of a life herself, her school was always on special measures so she left with 3 grade E’s and her dads were never in work long due to the factories shutting down and she’s’ got 3 other kids to feed and two other fathers on the income who don’t give her a penny pot to piss in so all's done as all did I s’pose.
What’s this I’ve just read about that family you work for? They are crazier than I first thought! Not only does your best mate stab you in the back, they keep you short of money and now they send all these kids out to get killed. PERVs. Trust me Gordon you work for a bunch of sadistic perverts. Their was story in our local paper about a family that let there kids die by leaving them to sleep on mattress and only feeding them rotten fruit and they staved to death from malnutrition and with sores all over their bodies. The kids under your boss get sent to foreigners countries, burn in the heat are starved of rations, have no beds and have to pee in holes in the ground and to top that they get shot and blown up! Where the hell is social services??
Sorry to digress quickly but you are not the anti Christ are you? The reason I ask is because Afghani Frank down the kebab house says that the anti Christ is going to come to the world and have a wonky eye or is it one eye? Some people call him Mullah Frank but I asked him one day and he denies eating that many yoghurts so I just call him Afghani Frank. He says that he thinks the anti Christ is on the way! Between you and me Frank, says that the lot you work for over there are robbing his country and starving his kids as well!
: “what for? “ he cries “A bit of oil and a bit of land.?” We usually ignore him and tell him to shut the hell up and give us our kebabs. He knows we are joking because he is alright is Afghani Frank and he makes a great kebab. Now I’ve watched your story maybe I shall ask him about it, on the quiet. I have to agree with him though, what do they want with all that land is beyond me? We got that many petrol stations over here and if they just change the green belt law then we got enough for all of us. Nah, of course your'e not the Anti Christ. I’ve just looked at the picture of your mom and it doesn’t look like she is heavy breasted and besides you are not from the Yemen.
I guess that lot you work for are just a right dodgy lot then. I know they ain’t the mafia because the mafia are Italian but it did worry me when I heard you spoke to that Sarkozys or was it Berlusconis wife on the phone? I’d be a bit cautious chatting to any mafia wife if I was you. If he finds out you have been chatting to her you could end up in a concrete bath. I'm offering just you a word of caution, that’s all. There is enough death what with them poor kids coming back from them foreign lands. Its downright murder if you ask me. No wonder you didn’t mention it to Piers!! You were too bloody frightened! Don’t worry, if you like, I will call social services in to do an investigation. Then they won’t know it was you. They can’t sack you then. I’ll phone one of them police special anonymous hotlines. Your name will stay out of it. Mind you if I worked for a family like that I’d want to get the sack!
Anyway bab, I have to go now because my phones texting out of its jacket. Keep this letter between ourselves shall we? I’ll see what I can do and don’t forget that Tescos do a two in one deal on all frozen foods and washing powders. That will save you money and maybe you can send a bite to eat over to those kids in that foreign land place.
Best wishes
Charmaine xxxx
Ps just a thought. I’ve just read that you got two kids of your own. I’d hand in your notice pretty quick mate because if they don’t care about anyway one else they are certain not to give a shit about sending your kids out there. The last thing Sarah needs is two children coming home in a body bag.
I was deeply touched by the recent interview you held with Piers Morgan, (ITV) so I checked out my Heat, Star, Ok and Hello magazines to find out who you were. You know just to get a bit of background gossip on your life. Sorry I didn’t catch all of the show but my fella kept texting me having a go, again. We make up, break up but when he is in one of his moods I have to text back. That’s why I didn’t catch the whole show. I was a bit tied up texting. That’s why i'm writing to you now, to let you know you have a friend.
Unfortunately there was no mention of you in Heat and the others so I had to get down the library and go on the Internet and find out who you were. Well done, you have really done well for yourself! No wonder Piers thought it would make a great story for his show. Apparently you are the country’s housekeeper and live in that smart Downing Street place. Someone very famous lives there because there are always coppers out the front so you landed a smart job there.
You did good at school as well. With grades like that why bother becoming a housekeeper? If I did as well as you I’d have become a WAG. I know you couldn’t become a wag because you are a man but you could have been a sportsman and dated a WAG. You liked rugby didn’t you? Well, football is a bit like that. Ok, so you got a wonky eye but you only need one eye to see the ball. Imagine that! You could have been a footballer and drive Mercedes and have an amazing crib with 3 bathrooms and shit. If we over look your love of drinking and your blatant lie that you have never smoked a spliff (really?) then we have to take into account that you must have done your fair share shagging. Piers said on TV that you had your own groupies: the brown sugars. You had it all made for you for a footballers life. You even met your misses in the mile high club so you had it in you mate, to become a footballer.
Anyway, due to your important position in that house I’m a bit miffed to say the least that I don’t get to read about you in Heat and OK and stuff because imagine all the gossip you could tell us. Granted you are not a big a story as Peter Andre and Beckham but come on, you must have a secret or two to share about the shenanigans in that place. Get Max Clifford as your agent Rebbecca Looes and Maddy (Peters latest shag) did and they’ve made a mint from it! It’s just something you might want to keep in mind in case you ever get the sack.
In fact, money is why i've decided to approach you. I hear that your housekeeping purse is slightly empty. What very famous person leaves their housekeeper with an empty purse? Tight arsed family you work for there. Especially one that’s got that big house and all those buildings. Or are they family with old money? You know the ones that live in all those stately homes just to give the impression they got money but drive around in old fords and charge entry so you can ogle at their stuff. I went to that parliament house once, years ago on a school trip. It was crap. I didn’t see any shagging and getting pissed . All I saw was a load of rubbish rugs and chipped woodwork. You couldn’t even touch anything! It was boring. I’d hoped to sell my story to a magazine. My dad had put the idea in my head, he had said to me:
” You going to parliament? They’re a crooked lot up there, pissed constantly on free whiskey and shagging their children’s nannies.”
I was surprised he would let me go! I guessed that it was one of those birds, bees and life’s not all storks and cabbage patch, trips. But I didn’t see any of that. A let down really cos I expected to see some right knobbing going on. I learnt nothing so had to hang around the chemist and steal the free handouts and I got to peek at penthouse once. But I digress.
I guess we couldn’t touch anything because it was stolen goods or something? But a right boring day really.
Who’s this Mr Blair? I think he set you up mate! You don’t need a mate like that. Trust me. Good riddance. Who’d take you out to dinner than stab you in back? It happened to me once, some scabby shit of a girl. We were best mates, shared everything and even planned a double date together. We met the boys, went up the park to hangout and we got fish and chips. We sat inside on the tables as well. It was all very posh. Then she got up and left me on the excuse she was feeling sick. Feeling sorry for her they both took her home and I was left to get the number 62 alone. I heard the next day that they both snogged her and I got a slap of my dad for being in late, public transports crap on time. But less of that more of you.
You got a nice wife there so that’s something I suppose. Sorry to hear about your baby. If its any consolation Janet from up the social club had the same thing happen to her. Her baby was born stillborn. Only 26 weeks the little mite, bless her soul. That knob of a boyfriend knocked ten shits out of her and they had to do and emergency caesarean to deliver it. You could have heard a pin drop when we all got to hear about it. But like your wife she got to hold the baby for a few minutes so small blessings in a cruel world. Eh? Besides Janets’ on income support, she can’t work due to her crap grades and her nerves. Janet hasn’t much of a life herself, her school was always on special measures so she left with 3 grade E’s and her dads were never in work long due to the factories shutting down and she’s’ got 3 other kids to feed and two other fathers on the income who don’t give her a penny pot to piss in so all's done as all did I s’pose.
What’s this I’ve just read about that family you work for? They are crazier than I first thought! Not only does your best mate stab you in the back, they keep you short of money and now they send all these kids out to get killed. PERVs. Trust me Gordon you work for a bunch of sadistic perverts. Their was story in our local paper about a family that let there kids die by leaving them to sleep on mattress and only feeding them rotten fruit and they staved to death from malnutrition and with sores all over their bodies. The kids under your boss get sent to foreigners countries, burn in the heat are starved of rations, have no beds and have to pee in holes in the ground and to top that they get shot and blown up! Where the hell is social services??
Sorry to digress quickly but you are not the anti Christ are you? The reason I ask is because Afghani Frank down the kebab house says that the anti Christ is going to come to the world and have a wonky eye or is it one eye? Some people call him Mullah Frank but I asked him one day and he denies eating that many yoghurts so I just call him Afghani Frank. He says that he thinks the anti Christ is on the way! Between you and me Frank, says that the lot you work for over there are robbing his country and starving his kids as well!
: “what for? “ he cries “A bit of oil and a bit of land.?” We usually ignore him and tell him to shut the hell up and give us our kebabs. He knows we are joking because he is alright is Afghani Frank and he makes a great kebab. Now I’ve watched your story maybe I shall ask him about it, on the quiet. I have to agree with him though, what do they want with all that land is beyond me? We got that many petrol stations over here and if they just change the green belt law then we got enough for all of us. Nah, of course your'e not the Anti Christ. I’ve just looked at the picture of your mom and it doesn’t look like she is heavy breasted and besides you are not from the Yemen.
I guess that lot you work for are just a right dodgy lot then. I know they ain’t the mafia because the mafia are Italian but it did worry me when I heard you spoke to that Sarkozys or was it Berlusconis wife on the phone? I’d be a bit cautious chatting to any mafia wife if I was you. If he finds out you have been chatting to her you could end up in a concrete bath. I'm offering just you a word of caution, that’s all. There is enough death what with them poor kids coming back from them foreign lands. Its downright murder if you ask me. No wonder you didn’t mention it to Piers!! You were too bloody frightened! Don’t worry, if you like, I will call social services in to do an investigation. Then they won’t know it was you. They can’t sack you then. I’ll phone one of them police special anonymous hotlines. Your name will stay out of it. Mind you if I worked for a family like that I’d want to get the sack!
Anyway bab, I have to go now because my phones texting out of its jacket. Keep this letter between ourselves shall we? I’ll see what I can do and don’t forget that Tescos do a two in one deal on all frozen foods and washing powders. That will save you money and maybe you can send a bite to eat over to those kids in that foreign land place.
Best wishes
Charmaine xxxx
Ps just a thought. I’ve just read that you got two kids of your own. I’d hand in your notice pretty quick mate because if they don’t care about anyway one else they are certain not to give a shit about sending your kids out there. The last thing Sarah needs is two children coming home in a body bag.
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